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Raiders Of The Hidden Gems
By: Mickael
In this modern world, when technology can take us nearly anywhere, it’s easy to feel like everything you want to do has already been done. Thanks to the internet, we have digital access to every thought of every person for the whole of human history. Everything you want to say, it seems, has already been said. Thanks to airplanes, hovercars, and jetpacks, we can travel on a whim to even the most isolated locales. Every exotic place you want to be has already... been, and probably by chubby and pink German tourists. Discovery, then, is dead. No further attempts at exploration, whether physical or intellectual, should therefore be undertaken from now until the end of human history. But actually, that’s not true at all.

They (meaning scientists) say that only 5% of the ocean floor has been explored. Since oceans cover 71% of the earth’s surface, then that means that at best we’ve only mapped and documented 34% of our own planet. So, you see, we have plenty left to go and discover, we just won’t find it on TripAdvisor. The IMDb reveals to us that there are 335,504 feature films in their database. That’s not including TV series, short films, documentaries, or mini-series. Our average life expectancy right now is 78 years old. If you decided you wanted to watch every movie ever created during your life, you’d need to watch 12 movies per day, every day, from the day you were born until the day you die. (This does not include any of the movies that would come out over the course of that 78 years, either...) Even the most dedicated “cinephiles” see only 2 to 3 movies per day. At that rate, it would take over 306 years to catch up on every old film. So, unless you’re Vandal Savage, it’s time to stop pretending that you’ve seen it all.

This is where we can help. Maybe you’ve seen all the pop stuff, the blockbusters. Maybe you’re just tired of the Hollywood formula and want something different. Maybe you’re just an insufferable bastard that insists on only seeing obscure films so you can tell your disinterented co-workers about them later and say, “you’ve probably never heard of it...” God, I hope you’re not that last example. That guy irks me. Assuming that you’re among the first two types of hidden gems explorers, we will aid you in your quest to be the next Cult Columbus or Movie Magellan or Video Vespucci or Film Francis Drake or Cinematic Sacagawea or Motion Picture Marco Polo or Celluloid Samuel de Champlain as we boldly go where few film fans have gone before...
#10: Student Bodies (1981)
Early on in the heyday of the slasher film, these bold filmmakers set out to parody the genre. Student Bodies is a self-aware horror comedy that was way ahead of it’s time. A goofy killer named "The Breather" goes on a rampage in Lamab High, slaughtering all of the students that he catches having sex. Jam packed with visual humor, non-sequitors, running gags, and inside jokes for horror fans; this movie is enjoyable for a number of reasons. An absolute must-see for fans of Scream, Return Of The Killer Tomatoes, and Richard Belzer.
#9: UP! (1976)
Long before an old man and a boy scout flew a house to South America with balloons, there was an ode to sexual freedom called Up. Russ Meyer is well known for his sexploitation films featuring large-breasted women, overbearing men, and the slapstick comedy that ensues when the two collide. This film goes further in all categories. It’s unpredictable, schizophrenic, hilarious, erotic, psychotic, and all-together wonderful. Up! is recommended for fans of dead Nazis, sexual deviance, and classical Greek dramas.
#8: Circle Of Iron (1978)
Also known as “The Silent Flute”, this film was written by Bruce Lee just before his death. Circle of Iron stars David Carradine in what I consider a career-making performance as the aging mentor to a young martial artist. This is a beautifully shot martial arts fantasy adventure for people who like kung fu monkeys, sword-and-sandal hippies, and Buddhism. Also stars Christopher Lee, Roddy McDowall, and Jeff Cooper, who disappeared from the limelight a few years later and is still laying low. Or, he’s just chilling with Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Tupac...
Netherbeast Incorporated is a workplace horror comedy that is as hilarious as it is absurd: a collective of secretive vampires run a successful company right under your nose. Deadpan delivery of quotable dialogue from talented comedians makes this one a must-watch for fans of What We Do In The Shadows. Dave Foley, Darrell Hammond, Judd Nelson, Jason Mewes, Robert Wagner, and Steve Burns star. If you watch the first five minutes, I guarantee you’ll be hooked. “Two bullet points for your to-do list: 1) rewrite the Donnagett initiative by 2pm on Tuesday, 2) incinerate the demon Mike’s unearthly husk in roughly... *checks watch* 1 hour.”
#6: Aerobicide (1987)
Also known as “Killer Workout”, this late 80’s formulaic slasher is notable only for the thick layers of cheese it melts on top of its thin and crispy plot. A woman runs a gym where her twin sister had tragically died 2 years earlier, when suddenly... people start dropping dead again! Highly recommended for fans of Death Spa, bouncing breasts, and day-glo 80’s leotards. Directed by David A. Prior, the man who helmed Sledgehammer, Future Force, and Raw Justice.
#5: Taeter City (2012)
Giulio De Santi and Necrostorm, the gore-hounds behind Adam Chaplin - Violent Avenger, bring you this bloodsoaked near future tale of a violent dictatorship that grinds up criminals and turns them into hamburgers. Obviously influenced by Paul Verhoeven’s social satire style from Robocop and Starship Troopers, it is as full of propoganda as it is of body parts. It’s low budget approach may be a turn-off for some, but if you miss the old-school Italian gore films like Antonio Margheriti’s Cannibal Apocalypse, Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, and Umberto Lenzi’s Nightmare City then this is what you've been waiting for!
#4: Robo Vampire (1988)
Godfrey Ho branches out of his usual no-budget ninja flicks to craft this RoboCop knockoff about a resurrected narcotics agent who is sent to take out a dangerous drug kingpin who protects his stash with Chinese hopping vampires! You’ll love Robo Vampire if you’re a fan of chop socky, jiang shi, and marijuana.
Holy shit! Robo Vampire and 3 other great foreign films available in this 4-pack from Oldies.com!
Or, watch it in super Low-Def quality on shitty old YouTube.
#3: Steele Justice (1987)
Steele Justice is a knock off of the popular Rambo and Commando style military revenge flicks of the 1980’s. Ex-cop and Vietnam vet John Steele is determined to take down the vicious drug kingpin, Kwan, that killed his war buddy. With his trusty snake “Three Step” he’s a one-man (and one-snake, I guess?) army that is bringing the fight back to those dastardly drug dealing Vietnamese! Starring Martin Kove (The Karate Kid), Al Leong (Die Hard), and Ronny Cox (Total Recall); this action-packed movie is perfect for fans of muscle-bound 80’s machismo, pretending non-venomous snakes are dangerous, and offensive Asian stereotypes. In all seriousness, this movie is a ton of fun on a drunken weekend night and was one of the films that inspired me to start this site in the first place!
Or, watch it in German (for some reason) on shitty old YouTube.
The trick to enjoying this low-budget vampire flick is to be heavily intoxicated. When the audio from the original cut was unusable (and didn't match up to the film), the filmmakers decided to dub a comedic soundtrack instead of playing it straight. The result is hilarious and elevates this movie to cult status. A horny vampire seeks a bride (many of them, actually) and so he sends his sex-starved werewolf servant into town to retrieve buxom young ladies. This wolfman, in a full suit and tie, occasionally sneaks a woman for himself. Peculiarly, this horndog doesn’t go for doggystyle. For fans of: The Erotic Rites Of Frankenstein, werewolf rape, and Jerry Lewis impersonations.
Pick up Dracula The Dirty Old Man @ Oldies.com!
Or, watch a shitty version on shitty old YouTube.
#1: Sifu vs. Vampire (2014)
This Hong Kong film is an over-the-top comical horror action film featuring kung fu vampire hunters against the Vampire King. Kung Fu film legend Yuen Biao (Once Upon A Time In China, Project A, everything else ever...) stars alongside Ronald Cheng and Tony Ho from Special ID. A fast-paced good time for fans of Mr. Vampire, Encounters Of The Spooky Kind, and nipple pulling.
Or, watch a shitty quality version on shitty old YouTube!
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Which of these hidden gems are you most likely to watch?
Student Bodies
Aerobicide (Killer Workout)
Russ Meyer's UP!
Circle Of Iron (The Silent Flute)
Steele Justice
Sifu vs. Vampire
Dracula, The Dirty Old Man
Netherbeast Incorporated
Taeter City
Robo Vampire
Quiz Maker
 
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